I was a bad mom and missed Lucy's 5 month old blog post update! It is definitely true that having a baby adds more busyness to your life, and somehow, the 5 month post didn't make the cut in the list of priorities, that list goes something like this (eat, sleep, work, take care of Lucy, take care of my husband, etc.).
The months of November and December always seem to be busy and this year was no exception. However, this year was very different in the fact that we had little Lucy tagging along with us through all of our Fall and Christmas adventures.
When Lucy was about 5 months old, we were packing up to leave for our Thanksgiving trip to Atlanta. Jason and I had both worked all day and were frantically packing to leave and make it there before midnight. We had been in the (bad) habit of leaving Lucy laying on our queen sized bed while we did stuff in our bedroom like drying my hair, getting ready in the morning, cleaning up the room, etc. Well, when I was packing I left the room for a split second to grab something to pack, and that is all the time it took for Lucy to flip off the bed right onto our wood floors. I ran in picked her up and she was screaming. I was scared to death and felt a HUGE pit in my stomach (that I still feel just thinking about this moment). I ran to tell Jason what had happened and was in tears myself and told him that we HAD to go to the emergency room to see if she was okay. After a few minutes of trying to quiet her down, I fed her, which made her feel a little bit better. All I could do in the moment was cry out to God to make my baby be okay, even though she had just fallen. I prayed and prayed for God to make her okay and to take away any pain she had. We called our friend Shannon who is a pediatrician and she told us what warning signs to look out for. She told us that if she was eating normally and acting normal, she was probably okay, but to wake her up every few hours during the middle of the night and make sure she woke up normally and was alert enough. We finished packing and I held Lucy's hand the whole drive to Atlanta, apologizing to her and praying the whole time.
I thought that I would never admit this story on the blog, but I thought I should share what the Lord Jesus has taught me through this experience. Through a lot of tears and time, he has shown me that no matter how hard I try, Lucy's life and well-being is STILL not in my hands. I dealt with this during pregnancy. It was hard for me to trust in God to take care of her when I couldn't see her. It was hard for me to trust that he was watching out for her and to admit to myself that I was not in control of the pregnancy or child-birth, but that everything was in his hands. He was so faithful to me and Lucy during pregnancy and childbirth and he taught me a new level of trusting in his faithfulness. However, once she was born and as time went on, I gradually began to trust more and more in myself thinking "Hey - I'm actually a pretty good mom, I got this mom thing down!" :) Without even realizing it, I think my trust in the Lord was decreasing as my mom-self-confidence increased. It was only after Lucy fell off the bed (and was OKAY), that I realized that even after her birth, she is still just as fragile and is still COMPLETELY in God's hands. All I can do is do my best, and leave the rest up to him. He created her and knows the plans he has for her life. It is my job to pray for her protection and to stop trying to carry the weight of being the perfect mom around - that load is TOO HEAVY and I was never meant to carry that around. The freedom in Christ is simply amazing. He is so good and loves his children so much.
After experiencing the depth of love and care I have for Lucy, I am starting to understand a bit more just how much he loves all of his children. In that moment when Lucy was in pain, all I could think about was that I would rather be in pain than her, that I would rather any bad thing happen to me instead of her. It is this realization that shows me just how much of a sacrifice it was for God to send his only son Jesus to be crucified on the cross for the forgiveness of our sins. It would have been SO much easier for God to sacrifice his own life, than to give his son up as a sacrifice. I can't imagine the pain that God must have experienced seeing his son suffer, but I thank God every day for that sacrifice that allowed me to have a relationship with him, have my sins forgiven, and receive the gift of spending eternity with him in heaven.
So to summarize, God has used my greatest failure as a mom (and unfortunately, I'm sure I will have other future failures too...:( ) to teach me a little more about the depth of love he has for us. I hope that I will continue to learn to trust in him more and more as I realize how little control I have over the safety of my daughter. I thank him for the gift of her life and pray every day that she will one day experience the greatest joy that this world has to offer - and this JOY is surrendering her life to Jesus, admitting that she is a sinner in need of a Savior, and getting to experience friendship with the creator of the universe.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
"But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life inb Christ Jesus our Lord."